Snape sat on his bed, sleepless, watching the clock on the wall.
It was past one in the morning, and Lucius still wasn't back yet. He felt the bitter anger welling up inside him; a twisted, corrosive rage long harboured, that was slowly eating away at his soul, nurtured more and more each time he spent his night sitting up, waiting.
And it hurt. Even after so many times, even after he'd sworn that he didn't care enough for it to matter, it still did. It hurt so bad, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.
Severus wasn't used to feeling this vulnerable. He wasn't used to losing control over his feelings, and this scared him almost as much as it angered him.
Lucius Malfoy wasn't worth this much.
Or was he? Snape smiled cynically, and the memory of Lucius's lips on his inexorably rushed back to mind, the remembrance of how supremely good it felt to hold him and take him in slow, firm strokes... Severus shook his head vigorously to clear his mind as he felt a persistent urge within him begin to stir.
Lucius always made him feel this way. Even when he wasn't around to slake his passion.
Severus silently got to his feet, and made his way out of the dormitory back into the Slytherin common room. It was empty, the eerie stillness reflecting the aching void inside him. There wasn't even a fire burning; the room was cold and dark, and he was all alone.
It was agonising to wait, and the minutes dragged by with painful slowness. It was even more torturous to think of Lucius, to think of what he was doing at this very moment, while he, Severus, was sitting up waiting for him like some lovesick puppy.
But lovesick puppies did not feel this sort of explosive rage slowly building from within; did not feel the murderous tentacles of revenge encircling love tinged with hatred. Lovesick puppies only saw the sunshine and romance, but Severus was way past that stage by now. In fact, he couldn't even remember experiencing that.
It didn't start out like he had intended it he regretted that. It was so rash, so unplanned nothing but destructive consequences could have resulted, and true enough, this was the painful backlash.
It had been the end of their sixth year, and the Slytherin end-of-term celebration had been doused with a little too much booze. He was drunk, and Lucius was, well, there.
Lucius never talked about it afterward; neither did he. It became a standing arrangement between them, almost every other night. Severus didn't want it to be that way, but each time he tried to bring the matter up, Lucius would just shake his head and silence him with a kiss. And Severus would just close his eyes and try to forget, try to coax himself into accepting the way they were. He had Lucius's body, after all wasn't that what he always wanted?
But he wanted more. He wanted Lucius, wanted him as a person, and not just his body.
Snape shook his head, a bitter resignation settling over his tired features. And now he didn't even have Lucius's body, not exclusively. He'd actually thrown up twice at the very thought of it, the thought that Lucius was having it with someone else, and of all persons, James Potter.
It sickened him to the core, and even now Severus felt a rising wave of nausea at the idea of it, at the idea that James Potter was probably fucking Lucius, his Lucius, at this very moment. Severus's hands involuntarily clenched into fists, and he thought about how dearly he wanted to bash Potter in the face with them.
Suddenly his ears perked up; in the echoing silence he heard the soft footsteps padding up to the entrance to the Slytherin dungeon, and a few moments later Lucius slid into the common room, silhouetted against the faint glow of the torches that lit the corridor outside. Lucius was fully dressed in his robes, although his sleek blond hair was quite tousled.
Severus's eyes narrowed, and he silently got to his feet. Lucius hadn't seen him; the other boy was carefully walking across the common room, trying to make as little noise as possible, pacing toward where Severus stood obscured in the shadows.
When Lucius was about two feet away from him, Severus's hand suddenly shot out and grabbed him by the arm. Lucius let out a stifled exclamation of surprise Snape roughly yanked him back into the shadows, and slammed him up against the common room wall.
"Where have you been, Lucius?" Severus asked harshly, shoving Lucius's shoulders backward and pinning him against the wall. He already knew the answer to his question before Lucius answered.
Lucius recovered from the initial shock quickly; he returned Severus's gaze evenly. "Do you really want to know?"
"You've been with him, haven't you?" Bitterness bled into Severus's tone of voice, which trembled with suppressed emotion. "Screwing around with that despicable bastard."
"And you have a problem with that?" Lucius held Severus's glare, an unnamed emotion darting in his own grey eyes.
"Damn right I do." Severus spat, shaking Lucius savagely. "You think I'm going to just stand by and watch you fuck with Potter, then come crawling back to me?"
"I never invited you to watch, but you can the next time if you want to."
"Fuck you, Lucius." Severus's cold black eyes glittered maliciously. "You're just a cheap little whore, you know that?"
"But you never get enough, do you Severus?"
Severus's mouth was set in a thin, grim line Lucius's defiance struck a nerve with him, and he wasn't going to let it go this easily. He could feel the restless passion rising within him, fuelled by the volumes of hurt and pain and anger that Lucius never failed to evoke.
His voice was devoid of feeling when he spoke again. "You're right. I never get enough, and neither do you."
Severus resolutely pushed Lucius onto the ground, already tearing off his robes as he manoeuvred him down flat. Lucius didn't put up any resistance as Severus pulled his robes apart, forcing him face-down on the cold common room floor, and he didn't let out a sound as Severus took him brutally, unprepared, with hard, vicious thrusts. And he didn't say anything as he got to his feet after Severus was done, pulling his robes around his quivering body, the darkness hiding his shame, as he walked back to the dormitory without even a backward glance.
Severus stared hard after Lucius's retreating figure. He sat on the floor, his body sated, his mind still wanting more, as he watched Lucius quietly slip into the dorm and out of sight. He still felt so unfulfilled, and as the waves of physical pleasure subsided, the emptiness he felt was starker than ever.
He hated Lucius. He hated being in second place, taking up where James Potter had left off. He could almost smell James's scent radiating off Lucius's body, and it repulsed him, made him want to hurt Lucius for turning away from him, for not being faithful. It didn't make a difference if Lucius was with him first before going to James it still hurt immensely to watch Lucius get up from the bed and walk away, knowing that he was going to spend the rest of the night with James.
Either way, it burned like a raging fire within his chest, and Severus felt as if he was going to choke to death each time he saw Lucius leaving or returning, each time he even thought about him being with James.
Severus buried his face in his hands. It hurt so badly, and there was nothing he could do to alleviate the pain.
Damn you, Lucius, he cried inwardly. Damn you for making me feel this way.
* * *
Lucius curled up in his bed, pulling the covers all the way over his head. He'd always slept that way, ever since he was young; hiding away from something, keeping the rest of the world shielded away from him.
His entire body was aching, and there was a steady pain gnawing at him. Too much of anything was never good, and being fucked twice within one hour, the second time extremely roughly, could never feel too wonderful afterward. He waited to hear Snape's footsteps entering the dorm, hoping that he would just go back to his own bed and not come to him again, but Severus never came back for a long time.
He could still hear Severus's cold, sneering voice in his head: You're right. I never get enough, and neither do you.
That's where Severus was wrong, Lucius thought sadly, only that he hadn't dared to point it out to him, not when Severus was in such a volatile state. He didn't like it one bit, not when Severus was in that kind of dangerous mood, not when he was all out to hurt and not to love.
Severus was such a complex character, Lucius reflected. He'd always been strangely titillated by him Severus was smart, composed, always witty and sharp with his words. He'd always felt a secret liking for Severus, although he'd never shown it outwardly. Severus was so inscrutable; Lucius never knew if he reflected the same feelings for him, so he'd kept quiet all this while, until the end of last term, during the party.
Severus had come on to him first; Lucius had been, to say the least, very surprised. He thought that it probably had to do with the alcohol, but he responded anyway, and they slept together for the first time that night. It was very passionate, very exhilarating, and very transient as well. After it was all over, reality had come crashing down on both of them, and neither of them were inclined to discuss it.
When probably the most practical thing they could've done was to just blame it on the booze and call it even, they didn't. They continued it, like some sort of windstorm that couldn't be halted once it had gathered enough energy to tear to the surface. Lucius found himself drawn into the relationship, his dormant feelings for Severus suddenly coming alive, fuelled by their almost nightly passion, and it scared him.
It scared him because he didn't know what Severus was thinking. He didn't know if Severus was in it just for the sex, and he was afraid to fall deeper than he could afford to without losing the reins. Severus never said anything; never whispered any tender words when they made love, never talked very much afterward.
And Lucius had panicked, not wanting to get too involved, and he'd turned away, looking for a distraction from what was steadily becoming a very complicated relationship.
And he found James.
With James, it was completely different. It was a forbidden liaison, which made it all the more enticing, and they both embraced it for what it was just the sex. It was simple and uncomplicated. James was dating a girl, but even he couldn't resist the allure of a such a temptation, and neither could Lucius.
James was so different from Severus. James was smooth, suave, and knew all the moves the perfect lover, if you will, with all the breathless words and breathtaking kisses. James was unbelievably gentle, too, always asking if it felt all right, whether it was good for him.
Severus, on the other hand, was so much more intense, and passionate it was in those fleeting, heated moments, with Severus thrusting inside him, that Lucius could somehow feel that Severus loved him, although the other boy never said it in words. It was like Severus was baring his soul as he shared his body, and Lucius could feel the fervent, almost desperate manner in which Severus held him close.
But that was the difference James always assured him. Severus never did.
Lucius sighed, and closed his eyes.
He wished things weren't so complicated, so painful; but when it came to things that mattered, they didn't usually come easy at all.
* * *
Severus and Lucius walked side by side, not speaking, on their way to their next class: double Potions with the Gryffindors.
Severus hated Potions for this very reason, although he excelled in the subject. He hated being in the same room as James Potter, seeing him glance at Lucius and smile furtively. He hated it when Lucius smiled back, because it was always such a beautiful, genuine smile, and Lucius never smiled at him that way, not for a long time.
Lucius stole a sidelong glance at Severus, noticing the tenseness in his features and his rigid posture. He didn't dare speak to Severus, not when he was in such a dangerous mood, and Lucius didn't have to think hard to guess the reason why. Things didn't get very much better when James Potter appeared around the corner, holding hands with his girlfriend, Lily Evans.
Severus's black eyes narrowed as he saw James approaching, and the virulent wrath simmered inside him, threatening to boil over at any moment. James caught his menacing gaze and returned it evenly, almost defiantly, silently mocking him. Severus's fists clenched, and he felt himself shaking with anger.
James was taunting him, and the brief, knowing look that James threw in his direction was enough to push him over the edge, to detonate the hurt and bitterness pent up within him.
Before Severus could think about what he was doing, he seized a startled Lucius by the shoulders, pinning him against the wall. Leaning in, he captured Lucius's unresponsive lips in a fierce, bruising kiss, right there in the corridor, in front of everyone, most importantly James Potter.
He kissed Lucius very hard, almost cruelly, no love or tenderness evident in the forceful gesture, the purpose of it simply being to mark his possession, to brand Lucius as his own. Lucius didn't resist, and Severus could feel the limpness in his body as he held him firmly against the wall.
Lucius closed his eyes, swallowing his humiliation, forcing himself not to recoil from Severus's harsh mouth. He could feel everyone staring at them, and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Lucius rode out the moment stoically, and when Severus finally pulled away, he exhaled a sigh of relief. He kept his eyes on the floor, feeling mortified, unable to look up at James or anyone else.
Severus gave James a victorious sneer; James released Lily's hand and strode forward, looking very angry.
"Take this sort of thing back to your dungeons, Snape," James sounded disgusted. "Not in the hallways."
"Yes, that's how you like to play, don't you, Potter?" Severus shot back in a low tone, although loud enough for both James and Lucius to hear. "In the quiet, away from everyone else, away from your girlfriend..."
A strange look flitted across James's face. "I'm warning you, Snape..."
"Fuck you, Potter." Severus spat, his eyes flashing maliciously. "You'd better leave him alone, or else..."
Lucius cast a worried glance around the entire hallway of students was watching them, looking puzzled because they couldn't hear a word that James and Severus were exchanging.
"Or else what, Snape?" James refused to back down, fire in his eyes. "You're revolting, you know that? What you just did to him was the most despicable, underhanded "
That did it.
With a guttural snarl, Severus launched himself forward, snatched a fistful of James's robes, and punched him hard on the face. James lashed back in self-defence, and the two of them crashed backwards in a tangle of limbs, trading blinded blows and heated swears. Several girls screamed, and students scrambled back as James and Severus wrestled to the floor and slugged it out right in the middle of the corridor.
"Stop it!" Lucius yelled, grabbing a handful of the back of Severus's robes, trying to pull him away. "Get off him, Snape! STOP IT!"
With an almighty yank, Lucius finally managed to tear a thrashing Severus away from James, ripping his robes in the process. Severus was panting madly, his hands still balled into fists, his face red with anger and exertion. There was a blossoming bruise on Severus's left cheekbone. On the floor was James, his eyes blazing with fury as well, who looked as if he was willing to take Severus on for another ten minutes. He was sporting a cut lip, and he glared venomously at Severus as Lily rushed to his side and held him back.
"That's enough." Sirius Black bravely stepped up, standing between Severus and James, both of whom still glowered murderously at each other. He glanced at James. "Leave it, James." He turned and stared malevolently at Severus and Lucius. "Get the hell out of here, Snape."
Lucius never made a habit of listening to Sirius' instructions, but he did now. He forcibly pushed Severus away, propelling him down the corridor away from the James and the others. When they disappeared around the bend, away from public sight, Lucius released his hold on Snape and shoved him hard.
"What the fuck was that about?!" Lucius's heart was still pounding. "What did you think you were doing, hitting James like that in front of everyone?"
Severus stared incredulously at him. "You're still sticking up for Potter? What's wrong with you, Lucius?"
"I am not sticking up for him!" Lucius yelled, losing his temper. "I am not sticking up for anyone! And what's wrong with you, Severus? Why did you have to kiss me like that in front of everybody?"
"Because you're mine, Lucius, and Potter should bloody well know that!" Severus shouted back.
"No I'm not." Lucius glared at Severus, and his voice was deadly soft. His body quivered with suppressed emotion, but his voice managed to hold steady. "I'm not yours."
With that, Lucius turned and stalked off, leaving Severus staring after him, the pain undisguised in his eyes.
* * *
Snape was furious. He was positively livid, at himself, at James, at everything.
And he took it out on Lucius.
Later that night, Severus pulled Lucius into their dormitory, slamming the door behind them and locking it. Lucius looked back at him, an indistinct fear mixed with defiance shimmering in his grey eyes. And Severus stared at him and thought how much he hated Lucius, although not as much as he loved him.
He took Lucius and threw him face-down on the bed, his hands sliding over Lucius's lithe body, tearing off his robes. Lucius lay passively still, like he always did, not responding, not resisting. This angered Severus even more, because he imagined that Lucius was a whole lot more interactive when he was with Potter.
Lucius felt Severus's hands traverse roughly over his back, and the mild, stinging pain as his fingernails scratched across his bare skin. Lucius didn't react as Severus moved on top of him, spreading his legs apart, and he bit his lip as he tried to think of something else, not of James, but of the way they used to be, he and Severus, where sex wasn't just a cruel game of pain.
Severus fucked him hard and deep, and Lucius dug his fingers into the sheets, trying to breathe evenly, trying in vain to ignore the pain twisted with pleasure. He felt Severus's hands on his waist, gripping harder than necessary, bruising him, stroking down his thighs in an oddly protective manner.
Lucius closed his eyes, and tried not to think at all. The physical pain wasn't what hurt most.
When it was over, Lucius quietly slid out of bed, shaking himself free from Severus's embrace.
"Lucius." Severus looked sharply at him, and Lucius forced himself to meet his gaze. "Break it off with Potter. There will be no next time with him, do you understand?"
The veiled threat in Severus's voice sent a chill down Lucius's spine, but he struggled to show no emotion. He looked squarely back at Severus, his eyes hooded with a numbed blankness.
"Yes there will," he answered simply, before getting to his feet and walking away. "Goodnight, Severus."
* * *
Lucius went to see James the next day, in the evening just before James had Quidditch practice. They met in a disused room on the fifth floor as dusk began to fall across the overcast sky.
Lucius eyed the fading scar on James's lip as the other boy came close to him.
"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday," Lucius said contritely, raising his hand and very gingerly brushing it against James's lip. "Snape shouldn't have hit you he's an arse."
James grinned. "The most accurate statement you've ever made about him."
"Well, if you're worried he's going to tell Lily, you needn't I'll make sure he doesn't." Lucius sounded confident; he knew that if he put his foot down, Severus wouldn't dare rat on James.
"That's not all I'm worried about." James pushed a few stray strands of Lucius's blond hair out of his eyes. "I'm worried about what he's doing to you."
"Don't worry," Lucius answered shortly, looking away. "I can handle it."
James gently held the back of Lucius's head with one hand, and kissed him softly on the lips. Lucius immediately responded, his body aching for such tenderness, and he slid his arms around James, pulling him closer, kissing him back. They both staggered over to the bed and collapsed on it, and Lucius let James undress him, which the other boy did with finesse, although James abruptly stopped short as he pushed Lucius's shirt off his shoulders.
"God, he's really hurting you, isn't he?" James stared at Lucius's bruised shoulder, where teeth marks were visible, as well as other telltale fingernail marks scarring his waist and thighs.
Lucius smiled wryly. "He's the possessive sort, as you can tell."
James looked outraged. "That's no excuse come on, Lucius, you can't let him do that!" He shook his head in dismay. "Look, I can't live with this, okay, him taking it out on you just because you've been with me."
"But I want to." Lucius spoke very softly, and James was mildly startled to see the unguarded sincerity in his eyes. "I'm here because I want to all right?" He moved over and kissed James very tenderly; he clearly didn't want to talk about Severus. James was reluctant to let it go, but didn't have much of a choice as Lucius urged him back down onto the bed, kissing him.
Lucius closed his eyes, and tried to lose himself in the moment, to forget everything and just immerse himself in his senses. But even his senses wouldn't let him forget lingering pain of healing wounds stung mildly as James's hands ran over his body, even though they moved with a gentleness that Severus seldom demonstrated.
He couldn't forget, not even while he was with James, not even when he took James. He just kept remembering, even as he buried himself inside James, even as he pressed his lips to the back of his neck, tasting the faint saltiness of the invisible layer of sweat on his skin.
Afterward, James rolled over and tilted Lucius's face toward his. Lucius looked into James's brown eyes; they were filled with genuine concern.
"I don't like it," James said firmly, watching Lucius's reaction closely. "I don't like what he's doing to you, Lucius. It isn't right, and..." he shook his head, as if baffled. "And I really don't understand what you see in that slimy, despicable git."
Lucius placed a finger over James's parted lips. "Don't." He leaned forward, kissed James lightly on the mouth, then pulled away. "Look, James, don't get involved in what happens between me and Snape, okay? It's better that way, believe me."
James rolled his eyes, but conceded. "All right. But I won't hesitate to punch him in the eye if he tries to shame you in public like that again. I mean, who sleeps with whom is an entirely private matter."
"Are you sleeping with Lily, too?" Lucius asked unexpectedly.
James smiled wryly. "Unfortunately not. She's got this whole sex-only-after-marriage thing going, so I figured I won't spoil it for her."
"Yes, with your charms who could resist, hmm?" Lucius teased.
James laughed, and Lucius smiled. It was amazing how comfortable he'd grown to feel around James. They'd started out as lovers, but gradually, they'd become friends as well. James would sometimes confide in him about Lily, or other problems; Lucius didn't have to put his problems into words, but James would know, and understand.
"What are you going to do about him?" James asked softly, noticing the pensive expression on Lucius's face.
Lucius sighed, and shrugged helplessly. "I don't know."
* * *
Severus's eyes narrowed as Lucius walked into their dorm later that night. Oh, he knew. He knew Lucius had just been with James the healthy flush of his cheeks testified to an exertion of a different kind. Severus gritted his teeth and forced himself not to react.
But he couldn't. The words were out of his mouth before he could bite them back.
"Why?" he spat viciously. "Why do you have to do this? What do you see in that bastard?"
Lucius looked at him calmly. "That's none of your business."
"Don't you see?" Severus hissed sharply. "He's dating Lily Evans! Everyone knows that they're a couple! He's just making use of you he doesn't love you."
Lucius smiled bitterly. "And this is very much different?" His eyes flashed with a painful anger as he glared at Severus.
Severus eyed him warily. "What do you mean?"
Lucius exploded. "This! Do you think I like it? I may be a lot of things, a slut, a whore, but I'm not a masochist. What we do it's not making love. It's you punishing me for sleeping with James!"
"Because I hate the idea of you being with someone else!" Severus bellowed back, his face flushed with anger and frustration. There were so many things that he wanted to say to Lucius, to make him understand the vast difference between what they shared and what Lucius insisted on doing with James. "And he's all right with it because he doesn't love you!"
With that, he turned and stormed off.
* * *
Severus walked along the mist-shrouded path that snaked along the edge of the Forest. He was deep in thought; lost in it, more accurately. Anything to do with Lucius was hopelessly complicated, even just thinking about him.
Lucius had gone home for the Christmas holiday Severus didn't know when he was coming back. Since their quarrel, it'd been almost a fortnight since he last talked to Lucius, but he was on Severus's mind constantly.
His attention was abruptly diverted by a sudden vicious yowl, accompanied by terrified squeaking and twittering. Severus instinctively looked around just a little way up, at the clearing, was a large brown cat, attacking what looked like a small bird. Of course, the cat had the upper hand, and the little bird's shrill cries of pain pierced Severus's ears.
Severus broke into a run forward, toward the scuffling pair. He had his wand out in a flash, and sent a jet of hot red sparks at the cat. The cat howled as the fiery sparks showered onto its back; it leapt away, stung, took one fearful look at Severus and sped away into the Forest. Severus fired another jet of sparks at it for good measure, but missed as it disappeared into the bushes.
Severus knelt at the base of the tree, where the tiny bird lay, twitching feebly. His knees sank into the damp mud, soiling his robes, but Severus didn't notice.
The bird turned its head slightly, looking up at Severus. It let out a weak, pitiful chirp, and blinked once. Severus saw that it was in extremely poor shape its wing was clearly broken, and fresh blood matted its ruffled feathers where the cat's claws had dug deep. Its eyes already seemed hazed over with death, and it closed them, looking very tired.
Very gently, Severus leaned forward and scooped the injured bird up in his hands. The bird was in no position to resist; it merely chirped weakly, helplessly. Severus cradled it carefully in his cupped palms; the bird was dying.
Shifting the small weight to his left palm, Severus reached into his pocket with his right hand, drawing out his wand. Blood from the wounded bird tainted his fingers; the bird futilely attempted to bat its wings, but quickly gave up, its strength spent. It lay motionless in his left palm, looking almost peaceful.
Severus had learned a Healing Charm during class the year before; now, he gently touched the tip of his wand to the bird's broken body and whispered the spell, hoping it would work, hoping he'd remembered it correctly.
The tip of his wand shone with an almost translucent glow, and gradually, the crimson streaks of blood faded to mere traces of dark red; the awkward angle of the wing straightened, and the little bird's eyes fluttered open.
Severus exhaled a sigh it worked. He couldn't suppress a small, satisfied smile as the bird struggled to its feet in his palm, still unsteady, as if it was just learning to walk again.
"Nicely done, Severus."
The familiar voice spoke from just over his shoulder, and Severus was so startled he almost dropped the bird. He spun around, coming face to face with Lucius Malfoy, who stood before him, an unreadable expression in his eyes.
Severus sighed; just like Lucius to appear and spoil the transient, peaceful moment he was experiencing.
"Back already, Lucius?" he said wearily. He wanted to add a biting comment about James, but decided against it at the last moment.
"I didn't know you liked birds." Lucius's voice was even, not betraying a hint of emotion.
"I don't. But I don't like cats mauling them, either." He raised his palm, where the little bird was still fumbling on its feet, and showed it to Lucius. "And it's only a little sparrow, it's too young to die. It's not its fault it was just at the wrong place at the wrong time."
Lucius took a step closer, and Severus didn't back away; they stood almost inches apart now. The little sparrow was still nested in Severus's open palm, chirping feebly.
"I saw what you did, Severus," Lucius said softly, an uncommon fire burning in his grey eyes. "I was watching, from a short distance away. There were two things you could have done for that bird" he nodded at the sparrow, "you could've killed it with a quick spell, fast and painless, and put it out of its misery. Or you could've healed it, and save its life."
Lucius paused. "And you chose to heal it."
Severus looked away he couldn't bear to look into Lucius's eyes, to see the rare passion that now blazed in place of his usual coldness; it was this intensity about him that made Severus fall in love with him in the first place. He didn't have to be reminded of that, not now, not when he so desperately needed to detach himself.
He sighed. "I think you should go, Lucius." The words hurt, but he forced himself to say them.
Severus stepped away, breaking the intense, non-physical contact between them. He turned his back on Lucius, walking a few steps down the beaten forest path, near the open clearing.
The little sparrow seemed to have gotten its strength back, and was flapping its small wings in a rather lively way. Severus wordlessly raised his palm skyward; the bird gave a happy chirp, and with what he construed as a grateful look, the sparrow took flight and soared into the skies.
Standing on the ground, Severus envied it; how it could just fly away and leave behind the memory of its brutal attack, how its puny brain would probably forget the scarless incident before the day was over. It was so simple.
Turning back, Severus found Lucius still standing there, leaning against the trunk of a tree. He looked very fetching, with his blond hair flecked with rain, the collar of his robes loosened around his slender neck. Severus hastily drowned the urge to take him right then and there, on the damp grass, under the shelter of the Forest.
"Is that what you're going to do, Severus?" Lucius held his gaze as he spoke. "Just let me go, like you did with that bird?"
"I wish it was that simple," Severus answered truthfully, his voice tinged with bitterness.
"It isn't, and you know that," Lucius replied shrewdly. He came closer again; Severus felt his mind cloud up as he inhaled the faintly spicy scent emanating from Lucius's body, so excitingly near his.
"Lucius..." Severus began weakly, but his words were drowned as Lucius leaned forward and captured his lips in a deep, passionate kiss.
Severus blinked, startled for a moment, but his body quickly melted into this familiar pose, and his arms automatically went around Lucius's waist, drawing him closer, pressing their lips together in an almost desperate kiss. This wasn't what he needed, it was the last thing he could afford, but it felt so good, and he wanted it more than anything else in the world...
This was how he wanted Lucius. Willing. Submissive. His own.
Lucius finally pulled back; Severus opened his eyes, giddy with pleasure, and saw Lucius's lilting smile, his pale cheeks flushed with a ruddy hue.
This was the wrong place and the wrong time, and Lucius Malfoy was the wrong person. Severus knew it.
"I have something to show you, Severus." Lucius's expression sobered considerably, and he sounded grave, dispelling Severus's initial hope about what Lucius possibly wanted to show him. The look in Lucius's eyes jarred him as well shades of fear and hesitance darted in those pure grey irises, and Severus immediately knew it was something important.
Lucius raised his left arm; Severus eyed it curiously. Very slowly, Lucius drew back the sleeve of his robes, and Severus's eyes widened with astonishment as his eyes fell on the exposed forearm.
"Lucius!" he exclaimed, looking incredulously at him. "What" words failed him for a moment, and he continued to gawk at the symbol of the Dark Mark, emblazoned proudly on Lucius's pale skin. "What in the world...?"
Lucius nodded, his expression completely serious. Severus still gaped at the Mark, finding it hard to believe his eyes, to believe that Lucius had gone and actually done that. Of course, he knew all about the Dark Lord and his plans for world domination, but it had always been a remote sort of knowledge never had he seriously considered joining his league, becoming a Death Eater.
"Why?" This question burned more strongly than the rest, and Severus couldn't help asking it.
Lucius smiled wryly. "You look surprised."
"The hell I am. I don't see you for two weeks and the next moment, you've become a Death Eater? What's this all about?"
Lucius pondered for a moment. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of reading up."
"You can't 'read up' on this kind of thing, Lucius," Severus interjected.
"Hear me out for a bit, will you?" Lucius took a deep breath, then continued, "This is the most viable path to be taken, Severus, in the circumstances. It's the most profitable there's everything to be gained by choosing the right side to stand on, the right master to serve. It's the best way for us."
"For us?" Severus quirked his eyebrow questioningly.
Lucius sighed. "The Dark Lord wants me to bring someone else into the fold, a person who can be trusted, who's intelligent and talented and eager to learn. I was hoping... I was hoping that you'd join me, Severus."
Severus gave a strained, humourless smile. "Me? Not Potter? Or did you ask him and get turned down, that's why you're coming to me?"
Lucius looked aggrieved. "No, Severus," he protested, shaking his head, his tone bearing an implicit plea. "I didn't ask James. I don't want James to be with me in this I choose you."
Severus refused to be baited by Lucius's coyness. "Yeah, you choose me when it comes to doing Dark Arts and having skulls tattooed onto your arm, but you choose Potter when it comes to having a romp in bed, is that it?"
"I'll stop seeing James if you want me to," Lucius said quietly.
"Oh I'm sorry, have I not made that obvious before?" Severus snapped harshly, feeling the familiar rage stirring again. "When I bashed him on the nose because he was screwing you, was that not clear enough an indication that I don't want you to be with him?"
"I won't even go near James anymore, if that's what you want," Lucius repeated, his voice still soft, then added, "If you'll do this for me."
If you'll do this for me. Severus stared at Lucius as he came near again, and he closed his eyes in surrender as Lucius pulled him close in a lingering kiss. I choose you, Severus... not James... if you'll do this for me...
He'd do anything for Lucius.
He kissed Lucius back, heatedly, fervently. He nudged Lucius up against the tree trunk, the same one he salvaged the little bird from, and they kissed feverishly, like there was no tomorrow, like this moment was all they had, which was true, in a certain way. It was so raw and heartfelt that it hurt, but Severus didn't mind, as long as he had Lucius, and he did.
He loved Lucius so much that it ached, that he'd sacrifice anything just to be with him. It was frightening, yet exhilarating at the same time. It scared him, but the danger and the intoxication excited him, and Lucius spurred him on.
And there they kissed, oblivious to anything else except each other, under the tree where one life was saved, where another stood tainted and yet another on the brink of a sacrifice he would later regret.
But for Severus, now wasn't a time for regrets.
It was a time to live, to be with Lucius Malfoy, the only one he ever loved.
- fin -